How to... eat ice cream

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Women have a much deeper and more intense relationship with ice cream than they do with men. That's because with ice cream you get a lot more variety and a greater sense of physical satisfaction.

Deciding on what ice cream to have is one of the most complex decisions known to woman. Generally, you're either a fruity woman or a dark chocolate/caramel/coffee woman. Vanilla women don't really exist and you're probably dealing with a man in drag. Women will try any new flavour of ice cream once. There is something mystical about the state of ice creaminess, and anything that has been elevated to that condition, be it sausages, carrots or petroleum jelly, deserves respect.


The quantity of ice cream to eat is an easier decision: however much there is available is one portion. Cute little individual tubs are like tester paint pots: they give you a clue as to what effect you'll get once you crack open the proper industrial-size tub. Similarly, when you're having a cone, one scoop is a sure sign you don't really like the ice cream. Those cones have been tested up to a maximum of five scoops, and three scoops is a sensible minimum for a growing woman.


One way of making sure you're not at the mercy of ice cream shops is to have a freezer at home that has a bigger and better selection than the shops and the 24-hour opening. Just remember to get your favourite ice cream out ten minutes before you need it. There's nothing worse than sitting down to your favourite soap and then having to wrestle with a power saw and blowtorch to get a decent scoop from the tub.


A really difficult decision is whether to share ice cream. This decision is often made for you by the flavour. Obviously, you can hand out vanilla left, right and centre; but if it's a holy grail flavour that you can only find in one specialist supermarket in Truro, then you should eat the entire tub under a thick tower with the phone off the hook. In the worst-case scenario, when a so-called friend asks for a spoon, offer her a teaspoon and give yourself a reasonable headstart with a ladle. 


Ice cream is comfort food; when you're in front of the TV with a bowl of Belgian white chocolate ice cream, you've got everything required for complete happiness. Oh, and a man to get the refills.


Excerpt from Never Hit a Jellyfish with a Spade by Guy Browning